One foot in each world …

Get this … we are 2 totally L.A girls. Acrylic nails on point. Luggage matches the carry-on totes. Eyebrows laminated. Fillers in all the right places. Tres chic, baby! So we pull up, in a blue Porsche. Not just any blue. A loud metallic blue. Not mine. Hers. Don’t judge quite yet. She’s a hardworking, day and night hustling mama bear with 2 stellar kids.

Anyway, so we pull up. Our state of mind, you ask. Ready to write our little hearts out. Ready to bleed on paper. Scream on mountaintops. And perform an interpretive dance when the Ayahuasca kicks in.

After a 4-hour drive, we’ve finally arrived at a remote town called Idyllwild. We swing open the car doors. The other retreaters rush out to greet us. Let me just say, it’s both a blessing and a curse to see peoples’ thoughts inside their eyes.

The other retreaters look befuddled. They’re thinking to themselves, have dumb and dumber just arrived? Are these girls the wives of some old geezers with too much time on their hands? Are they housewives looking for an adventure? Or maybe a pair of pill poppers looking for a quick fix? Their cringing jaws read, “They don’t belong here.” I can feel the rejection pulsating in their hearts: “Will Romy & Michele fuck up our kumbaya vibe?” Immediately, we are outsiders. It’s an uphill climb from here. 

Here's the flip side. Moments like this are beautiful challenges. An invitation to present the multiple layers of ourselves. To own that we aren’t one-dimensional creatures. A chance to realize that we can tip toe around the judgment without allowing it to set us off course. And best of all, it’s exciting to surprise people.

Time to bust out some gut-wrenching, morbid poetry that doesn’t fit into the “valley girl” persona. And that’s exactly what I did, people! And guess what? We made so many amazing friends there and created nurturing bonds that took just a little bit of faith.

So why does this happen? Because people put us in a box, usually subconsciously. Do we have to stay in that box? Nope. We never have to play into the roles that others assign us. And the question these types of experiences beget are, can we really live with two opposing realities in our lives?

Does the accumulation of material goods mean you are not worthy of pursuing your spiritual self? Is spirituality a matter of social hierarchy? Does it only lend itself to those who don’t drive fancy cars yet can afford fancy retreats in a bourgeoisie Airbnb? 

Let’s reel it in…we CAN dabble into both. Our essence can reside in multiple places at once. We have a superpower to morph into different things at different times. It’s a gift that must be celebrated! 
Now go onnnnnnnnn with your bad self and let your duplicity shine! But before you do, please share your story with me in the comment section! What are some of your multilayers? What are some of your personal inner contradictions? 

Written by: Mary Terterov

Edited by: Tina Esrailian