Is marriage a transaction?

YES! Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? The law school doors open. My stomach is twisted like a Twizzler. I feel like I just got off Riddler’s Revenge. I walk into the room of the most feared upon professor. The subject? Contracts 101. Under his dirty beard, he mutters 3 life-changing words:

OFFER.

ACCEPTANCE.

CONSIDERATION.

Now let’s fast forward. I pass the class. I’m at the altar in a puffy white dress the size of Texas. The groom offered. I accepted. But was there “consideration?” And what’s that, anyway?

I know, I get it … your initial gut instinct is to feel repulsed by the unmagical idea that marriages are negotiations. Now let’s be real … I was 23 years old at the altar, so I probably wasn’t consciously sifting through the give-and-take. Operative word … “consciously.” However, at the core of it, in our subconscious it’s hard to argue anyone would sign off on a marital arrangement where you gave something of value without receiving something of value in return. Something for nothing? How can humanity thrive on THAT arrangement?

Just for a short moment, let’s set aside this whimsical storyline that marriage is an effortless rendezvous between two people. Suddenly, it becomes clear that marriage isn’t any different from the contract you signed with your landlord or the receipt you signed at the restaurant after eating a juicy ribeye steak. Not to say that love is about keeping score, but is it REALLY unconditional? Shouldn’t we be honest with ourselves and assess why we have skin in the game? So, what do we bargain for … financial security, emotional companionship, sexual companionship, to procreate and build a legacy, social acceptance, guaranteed upgrade in social hierarchy?

If you reach deep inside and grab the truth by the balls, you’d have to admit … there’s something in it for you. All too often we unfairly judge young women married to successful older men. Hypocritical, much? Aren’t all marriages transactional just as much as theirs (granted that we may be bargaining for different things)? In the end, when the lights go off, we’ve all entered a transaction.

Wait, there’s a silver lining! Now, more than ever, we are at the front lines of these transactions. Asking questions, making selections, seeking what aligns with our needs, and having the choice to reassess whether what we bargained for 10 years ago still serves us. We evolve, our roles change and our family dynamics fluctuate … there’s always an exchange, for better or for worse.

Written by: Mary Terterov