What if I actually do what I want?

I was 25 and I had a question for the world: what if I actually do what I want instead of what everyone else wants? Do I even know what that is? 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a pushover and I haven’t been plagued with ‘wounded bird’ syndrome, like ever. I’ve always fought against being controlled in life, but somehow, I keep finding myself in the depths of it. The deep-seated pattern of incredibly strong-willed people and organizations in my life, that have pushed me to be docile, like a one trick show pony. 

Predictability requires muting. They had muted my voice, but worst of all my soul. In true warrior spirit, I continued to fight against it, time and time again, only to find another controller at a different phase of my life. It sometimes feels like fighting a beast with a hundred lives...here we go again. 

I began to think, is it possible that I seek this process, and hate it all at the same time? The convoluted pattern of being controlled, and looking for release? Is it my way of life? Is it everyone’s way of life? 

Deep rooted systemic ties tell us what to wear, what to eat, how to sit, how to stand, who to love and even what to believe. (CONTROL > I BREATH IN) Do you break free by lying, hiding your truth, telling them you are at a friend’s house, when actually, you are hanging out all night at random coffee shops in Hollywood and lingering at sketchy clubs around town? (RELEASE < I BREATH OUT) 

I am now 45, and I have an answer for you, my younger self. Go to the depths of your subconscious mind. Pull out what lays there. You have your whole adult life ahead of you. Be confident in yourself. Don’t hide. Live as you are. Love as you wish. Be you out loud, at all times. There is nothing more beautiful than the real you. 

The Gods in your soul are knocking. Time to answer. Be brave. 

Written by: Tina Esrailian Edited by: Mary Terterov