2 Different Women, 2 Radically Different Answers.

TEAM “HECK YA”!

YES! Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? The law school doors open. My stomach is twisted like a Twizzler. I feel like I just got off Riddler’s Revenge. I walk into the room of the most feared upon professor. The subject? Contracts 101. Under his dirty beard, he mutters 3 life-changing words:

OFFER.

ACCEPTANCE.

CONSIDERATION.  

Now let’s fast forward. I pass the class. I’m at the altar in a puffy white dress the size of Texas. The groom offered. I accepted. But was there “consideration?” And what’s that, anyway?  

I know, I get it … your initial gut instinct is to feel repulsed by the unmagical idea that marriages are negotiations. Now let’s be real … I was 23 years old at the altar, so I probably wasn’t consciously sifting through the give-and-take. Operative word … “consciously.” However, at the core of it, in our subconscious it’s hard to argue anyone would sign off on a marital arrangement where you gave something of value without receiving something of value in return. Something for nothing? How can humanity thrive on THAT arrangement? 

Just for a short moment, let’s set aside this whimsical storyline that marriage is an effortless rendezvous between two people. Suddenly, it becomes clear that marriage isn’t any different from the contract you signed with your landlord or the receipt you signed at the restaurant after eating a juicy ribeye steak. Not to say that love is about keeping score, but is it REALLY unconditional? Shouldn’t we be honest with ourselves and assess why we have skin in the game? So, what do we bargain for … financial security, emotional companionship, sexual companionship, to procreate and build a legacy, social acceptance, guaranteed upgrade in social hierarchy? 

If you reach deep inside and grab the truth by the balls, you’d have to admit … there’s something in it for you. All too often we unfairly judge young women married to successful older men. Hypocritical, much? Aren’t all marriages transactional just as much as theirs (granted that we may be bargaining for different things)? In the end, when the lights go off, we’ve all entered a transaction. 

Wait, there’s a silver lining! Now, more than ever, we are at the front lines of these transactions. Asking questions, making selections, seeking what aligns with our needs, and having the choice to reassess whether what we bargained for 10 years ago still serves us. We evolve, our roles change and our family dynamics fluctuate … there’s always an exchange, for better or for worse.  

Written by: Mary Terterov  

 TEAM “HECK NO”!  

NO! My soul sister, “Your Go To Mama”, likes to taunt me with deeply complicated social topics in a public forum for kicks. Don’t get me wrong, I do love her for it. So here I am. I took the bait, and I would like to add my perspective in a few words, although this is a painfully complicated topic.   

First, let me explain what we are not talking about here. We all know of marriages that just need to end. Lovers that have turned into enemies. Even worse, a spouse that has become physically or emotionally abusive or a raging cheater. Those suckers got to go. That is not what this chat is about. This is about your regular old, boy meets girl, seemingly comfortable marriage. Now let’s get back to business.  

The attorney in me tends to agree, that there is nothing more exhilarating than a tight contract. Is there a transactional element to every relationship? Absolutely. No doubt, he will question you if you go from hard working powerhouse to lazy ass couch-potato and vice versa; but is it really a transaction? I think not. I like to think of marriage as a transformation.  A union of 2 people who have made a real and deep commitment to love each other, fight for each other, and to build a life that means something to them, all while making each other better along the way. It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it.  

Matters of the heart cannot, and should not, be reduced to words on a page.  We are more than that. Don’t get me wrong, it is most definitely not the fairy tale we dreamed of as little girls, watching Cinderella dance in circles in her ball gown. We are (mostly), grown independent humans, with an identity, dreams, passions, and direction (hopefully) all on our own, before we decide to tie the knot forever.  Our spouse should be the anchor, helping us steer the ship to new territories, transforming our path of life. No?     

Look, how and why we fall in love with “the one” and decide to commit for the rest of our lives, I am not so sure. My guess is that it is part chemistry, part mental and physical attraction, and part serendipity.  How we stay in love is most certainly hard work, commitment, and common core values. Where we end up is a transformed space, with many micro transactions along the way that lead us through a life full of unexpected twists and turns, and a whole lot of color. Now go steer that ship to the best of your abilities and find new lands.  

Written by: Tina Esrailian