Goodbye Pushover, Hellooo Boundary Connoisseur!

ARE YOU A DOORMAT OR GATEKEEPER?  

A friend never returns a promised call. A dinner host lashes out in a group thread. Your boyfriend ghosts you periodically. A work colleague backs out of a joint presentation and pretends she never committed to it. In a moment of truth, a pressing question lingers …. should we play along? And, really, what’s the price tag of abandoning our boundaries?   

Excuses, Excuses!  

Our default reaction is usually to make up excuses for the other person. It goes something like this … “Oh, he probably lost his phone” or “she’s probably overwhelmed with her kids.” But if we take that shovel and start excavating, we’ll find that the following reasons are at the core of our willingness to denigrate our truth:  

• Fear of confrontation

• Confusion about how to approach the situation

• Feelings of unworthiness  

Drowning in a Sea of Silence

 Our silence is dangerous. It’s menacing. The truth seeps through our veins, crawls on our skin, and trickles off our tongue in the most unexpected of ways. It’s impossible to plant the seed of a healthy relationship when the soil is mired in resentment. Moreover, our silence sets up others for failure by validating their actions while we secretly hold on to the residue of indignation left behind. Long-term friendships cannot thrive or evolve in a sea of silence. The sanctity of relationships can only be preserved when both sides are clear about their core values.  

3 Step Pivot!  

It is truly possible to pivot from pushover to boundary connoisseur without hostility and with a splash of love and compassion.

Here’s the 3-step pivot to land us there:   

• Step 1: Expect people to do what they say they’ll do.  

• Step 2: Speak up! (Ex: “I was looking forward to your call back & I didn’t hear from you.”)  

• Step 3: Specifically communicate expectations.  (Ex: “When you say you will assist me on the project, I expect you to show up.”)  

No More Secret Expectations 

Be clear about who you are at your core. Keeping your expectations a secret is a disservice to the relationship. Some people will minimize it by calling you high maintenance…don’t get stuck in that dirty trap! Being clear about your expectations is in fact a low maintenance friendship in which the other person does not have to guess or try to endlessly pry information out of you. It’s a gift to yourself and to the relationship.